Yup, I'm broke.

So the last thing that my dad gave me before he left me in this town was Rp 3.000.000,- and the last time I saw my savings it drained until RP 700.000,-.


I'm going to be honest that I spent a bit money for the food, I bought fishes, chickens and vegetables. I went to the supermarket two times in a week and both of that times cost RP 600.000,-. So, yeah bye bye money!

I also bought a new watch that cost around Rp 200.000,- and a new 4GB RAM for my laptop that cost Rp 570.000,-. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M STRUGGLING. For now on, I'm not going to buy any of fast food or snack or whatever. Apparently, my stock of food are still on high. So, yeah, I'm going to be thrifty for the next two or three weeks until (I WISH) my father come. DAMN! FYI, yeah I bought new RAM for my laptop but I think I got a problem with the booting system because it seems like the booting is slower than the previous.

Trapped Animals

He's running,
And I could feel the flakes of dust fall off from his tiny shoes.
A woman in white came and run along.
Now, they have been far away from the world but they won't stop,
they keep running, and running until they dissapear from the land.

He's got a huge body,
He's difficult to walk and choose to just stay, sit and pensive,
until the sunset hit his old jaded face.
Now, he's quiet in his wooden chair, he's got no words or action,
until he turned into the ashes.

I don't know what am I going to do,
My body was broken into pieces and my soul floated but my mind is still intact.
Now, I see something beautiful, like a purple rose or even a white jasmine, they're blooming in one place and I'm standing exactly in the middle of that place, I see the beauty so filled with the emptiness.
I open my eyes.

The Next Chapter of a Dead Girl's Stories

Wow? What is this? Are you going to leave a sucide note into this blog or something?

The answer is no. 

I'm not going to leave a kind of thing like that in this blog. Never.
At least, I'll text you.

What I want to do is I want to talk about the second season of a controversial netflix teenage-drama '13 Reasons Why'. For any strangers or people who never watch the show, I suggest you shouldn't watch it, except it's really a thing you want to do and you are brave enough to get all the painful meaning and the truth in the end of it. Is it too much? Well it should, because honestly I was a big fan of this series when it came up last year. I also bought the original novel written by Jay Asher after I watched the whole first season. The show was kind of a big deal for me because it's affect me alot. It gave me certain feeling inside my head and I don't know why I keep thinking about it for the last a month since I watch it.

I've been through a lot of depression, and also some kind of bullies. It was happening when I first took a seat in middle school. They had been bullied me because they think my voice was kind of funny and too high pitched. The first year in that school was tough for me. Every time I talk in front of the people or the class, they laugh at me and make fun of me. I was really shame of my self because It wasn't just the students who did the bully but also the teacher. I remember her; a history teacher, she laugh at me in front of the class.

I was angry and sad in the same time. I didn't tell my parents about this problem. Day goes on, I still got the bully but my heart became stone, I didn't sad anymore, all I had was anger. I had this thought about killing them. I look upon their faces and imagine how glorious I am if I can kill all this human. All the human who bullied me.

But it didn't happen.

I still safe at home and didn't get take to the police, because I still have a soul. It doesn't matter how hard they bullying me, but it won't change me into that kind of devil. I'm a human, not s crazy one and I believe in love and God. It was really a difficult time to me to change, but I don't regret those times because it keep safe and happy at my little place called home.

13 Reasons Why brought a story about a girl who took her own life because lot of bad things happened to her in her high school. Bully, sexual harrasment and the worst, rape. The show was a shock for everybody and it wasn't a surprise for me because, you know, in these days people just can't face the reality anymore. People want to see something that make them comfortable or whatever, but when reality comes, the won't accept it. OMG! What the hell am I talkin' about?

Anyway, 13RW is a great series and it's worth to watch.

Little Bit Confused

I live at my grandmother's house right now, I left my hometown because I want to get into a campus in here. Have you ever had a feeling like you miss your hometown so badly but in the other hand you won't go back there anymore because once you back there again, you can't really let go your feeling of missing your hometown. Do you understand?

I miss my hometown, so much. I've been live there since kid and I have lot of memories about it, lot feelings adn emotions. But life must go on and I had to leave my hometown and continued my education in a new town. It was hard to think that I have to leave all the things there, even my parents. OMG, this post makes me wanna cry.

I've been living in my new town for two weeks and I live here alone without parents but there is my aunty here, but she live in another house or her house. I and my cousin (who is the son of my aunty) live at our grandmother's house alone. He's still in high school and last week was his examination week. Today, I got a message from my mom, she offered me to get back to my hometown because campus isn't started yet and will start on august. My mom told me to get back and spend a time there before I really get into the college.

Here's the deal; I was crying inside when two weeks ago I had to leave the hometown, and I'm here trying to adapt and days by days, I think I could make it but now my mom give me another problem that I have to think about it. I'm struggling tho. What can I choose? Should I go back to my hometown for the last time and spend a time there or should I just stay here and trying to make my self comfort?

I got a solution.

It's not the best solution that I chose but it's the only thing I had in my head. My plan is I'll wait for my dad to come here because he told me that he will come to visit me on the first week on june, so after he visit me, I'll go with him to get back to my hometown together. It sounds kind of inconsequential but I hope it will work well.

Hello (World?)

I never thought that this is going to be happen again; I write in a blog, again. It's been quite a while since I didn't use this kind of stuff. I once had decision to delete or even won't to write a personal blog anymore because a reason (of course), but today I have to pull out that decision because I kind of like exhausting about something, and I'm here not to judge that thing instead I just want to let my exhausting feelings be free or in the other hand, you can just say that I'm going to use this blog as my dumpster, more specifically as my personal feelings dumpster.

So, yeah.

This is my first post and I hope no one would read it.